All Missguided Mama Wants for Christmas

Sunday, December 21, 2014

My favorite Christmas song of all time is Mariah Carey's, "All I Want for Christmas" with the Roots on the Jimmy Fallon show. If you've never seen this video, watch it, it's awesome.

Feeling inspired, I thought I should have a song of my own.

All Missguided Mama Wants for Christmas

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want to be alone,
to go pee in silence, or talk on the phone.
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is Vodka too, vodka, make it two

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need fancy jewelry
There, dangling in front of my face
Sitting on Santa's lap probably would make me happy
What a cheap joy on Christmas day.

I just want to be alone
to think a thought, or maybe get in a moan (hint, hint hubby)
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is a puff too, puff, make it two

Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for dough
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
For my own talk show

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole, for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
see if he has a big dick

Cause I just want some silence tonight
Try to hold me, and I'll bite
What more can I do?
Baby all I want for Christmas is a shoe, or two, Baby.

Oh, all the lights are shining,
So brightly it's blinding,
And the sound of children's
laughter is so annoying.

And everyone is singing,
my head, with a hangover is still ringing,
Santa, won't you bring me the one thing I really need?
Won't you please bring silence to me?

Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas,
This is all I'm asking for,
I just want to see my kids,
being babysat, and out the door.

Oh, I just want to be alone,
More than you could ever know
Baby all I want for Christmas,
Is away from this zoo, this zoo.

All I want for Christmas is out of this zoo, baby.
All I want for Christmas is out of this zoo, baby.
All I want for Christmas is out of this zoo, baby.
All I want for Christmas is out of this zoo, baby.

Get Out the Big Guns - YOUR OWN DAMN VOICE

Friday, December 19, 2014

I hate guns.

I feel powerless against them, and too powerful armed with them.  I don't think my experience is unique.  I've been on both sides of a gun.  One side -me shooting rounds with my family out in the sticks - just hitting cans.

And the other side, being involved in a violent situation in close quarters, where a gun was used to shoot someone right in front of my face.

I don't care if you think I'm dramatic - or morbid, or even paranoid.  But, there isn't a week that goes by, when I drop my kids off at school that I don't have a hard time letting go.  Where I don't think, it could be them.  Their school could be the next.  

There's not a time that goes by when I see my kid's school phone number pop up on my cell phone screen, that I don't think this could be the robo call that I've never wanted to get.  The robo call that tells me my kids are in the school, helpless, against a madman with a gun.

Let's just get my opinions on who and who should not own guns out there in the open.

I don't think for a fucking second, that anyone besides law enforcement, military and certain government agencies should have them in their personal possession.  I know, a tough opinion to have given the news in recent months about Michael Brown being shot dead in Ferguson.  Everyone is wondering, and questionning if law enforcement has our best interests.  If they can really be trusted to serve the public.  If they really are keeping us safe.  Them, their badge, and their guns.

I get it.

But I can't ignore, that guns too often get into the hands of complete fucking psychos, resulting in mass murders.

Just this week alone - the Sydney Siege -where an extremist, and mentally unstable gunman, Man Haron Monis held several people hostage at a cafe, 2 of which died.  And the horrific murders of 132 school children and nine staff members at a school in Peshawar.  

Two years ago, at Sandy Hook Elementary, 20 children and six adults were shot and killed by the very mentally unstable Adam Lanza.  A mentally unstable man that had not been undergoing treatment for his very well-documented mental issues.

The whole country should be figuratively and meaningfully, cradling the bodies of these sweet children in our arms, and demand change.

Close your eyes.

Imagine one of these child victims in your arms.

Can you feel them in your arms?  Their warm, small bodies. Their sweet faces.  Their small hands holding your hand, or their arms wrapped your neck.

You are holding them as they slip away.  

They slip away from their loved ones - at the hands of an asshole madman, with no soul.  They slip away from us- as a community, as a country, in our memories as absolutely nothing is done to prevent such horrific violence again.

Don't let the memories of...the Colorado movie theatre shooting, the Virginia Tech Shootings, Fort Hood Shootings, Binghamton, NY shootings, Columbine.....slip from your memory.

I could go on.....

We can't stand for this.

In the midst of all of this heinous violence, could no major legislation be introduced to get guns under the fuck control?

Semi-automatic, high-capacity magazines, military style weapons should be banned for personal use. Despite wide, public support, the legislation was "shot down", pun intended in 2013.

Expanded background checks for gun owners, never happened.

Can't we all just hand in our guns and call a truce?  Why does anyone need a gun inside their home?  Why does anyone, who has no affiliation to law enforcement need to carry a gun?

Because it's right?  A born right?  That's disgusting.  You aren't born with the ability to shoot.  You aren't born with a gun attached to some imaginary baby holster. You're born with the ability to walk, talk, breath, eat, feel, etc.  When I think of born rights - I think of the right to clean air, the right of free speech, the right of religious practices, etc.  Not to a gun.  That's sick!

Even the label, "Gun Enthusiast" makes my skin crawl.  How can you be excited about guns?!  You have to be a sick individual to think that guns are exciting and fun.  You are killing something with that gun - be it an animal or a fellow human being.  And then add the fact that you're excited about it??

If you are just as disgusted as I am, and want to make a difference for yourself, your neighbors, your community and the children in your lives, I demand that you stand for it.  Stand for something dammit.  Don't be a bunch of sheep.  I dare you to take time to make your opinions known to your local legislators.  We cannot forget these mass shootings, until the next one.  There shouldn't be a next one to keep this conversation going.  

If you want to take the first step, sign up with Sandy Hook Promise.  It's a good way to stay connected to those parents who are living through the horrific shootings, every day.  They keep people on their email lists informed on how to help, and about current legislation and how we can ban together to push for better gun control laws.  

This is what Endometriosis Looks Like

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I sit in bed, hungry as hell, my ass hurts from a 24-hour bowel prep and scared for my life.  I am having surgery tomorrow to remove Endometriosis. Here's the picture from my bed as I write this post.

I know I look like utter shit and it also looks like I am possibly picking my nose with my middle finger.  This is my attempt at putting a face to this horrible condition.  I look how I feel.  And many days before this, I'd be stuck in bed, hunched over after driving my kids to school in severe pain.  Unable to leave the house without a major dose of some pain medication.

I will undergo general anesthesia tomorrow - aka they're gonna knock me completely the fuck out.  Which is terrifying.  And then being a control freak, adds another layer of stress.  I don't like flying in an airplane because I have no control.  I hate surgery while "sleeping" because I have no control.   I even asked the doctor at the pre-op appointment if we could do an alternative form of anesthesia - like a spinal, an epidural?  He raised an eyebrow, and was like, "Um, no."

You've probably heard about endometriosis by now from your gyno or elsewhere - or you've been living under a rock.  Or you're a guy.  I think even guys have heard of it by now.

Anyways, it's a condition that effects women's reproductive organs and is the biggest cause of infertility and pelvic pain.  And by pain, I mean, in some cases, excruciating.  It causes awful stabbing- like periods, and sometimes when you ovulate, your ovaries feel like they will explode. For me, it also causes some other unfortunate symptoms - like random constipation, bloating that makes me look 6 months pregnant and painful urination. These bad, endometrial cells can grow outside of your women parts- fusing all types of organs together and blocking vital passageways.  The most common blockage, is in your fallopian tubes.

I scheduled this surgery about two months ago.  About two months ago, I tried to beat it on my own.  I set out a super-healthy plan for myself.  Eat all organic foods, mega-dose on vitamins, include more fruits and vegetables, and ditch the refined, sugary, fake crap that is in like 97% of foods at the typical grocery store.  Clearly, something worked, because I lost 15 pounds unintentionally, just by changing my diet.

But, the pain continued.  And so ultimately, I know this surgery is inevitable in relieving my pain.  The relief is temporary.  I've had a laparoscopic excision before for endometriosis 6 years ago.  But, I've been in pain for the last 3 years.

Why didn't I handle this sooner you ask? First, doctors.  Initially they poo-pooed my symptoms, told me my pain must be a result of my body after children.  They also put me through so many unnecessary tests that I grew weary of it all.  All of my tests were normal - but any doctor who's dealt with endometriosis, knows it's hard to diagnose without surgery.

Beyond money-hungry, uninformed doctors......what else prevented me from undergoing this life-altering surgery???  The usuals....Life, work, children, family obligations - all encompassing, all swallowing life.  I felt like I didn't have time to do it.  Like, I didn't have time to go through surgery and recover, because so many people need me.  This is true to some extent.  But, it's funny, how when you decide to definitively do something, and vocalize your intentions - the help comes.  The help comes ready and willing to get you through the surgery, take care of your kids and take care of your home. Boom.

All that procrastinating, just made matters worse I'm sure.  I pretty much waited until I could not handle it anymore.  Out of every month, I felt good and normal for 2 weeks.  The other 2 weeks were painful.

As much as I would welcome a hysterectomy at this point (I'm done having kids), I hear that has a whole host of other side effects that I don't think I'm willing to experience yet.

Ultimately, I figured out that if I'm overwhelmed with pain, I can't do all of my jobs well - which includes my largest role of being a good parent.  The pain makes me tired and cranky.  By finally, taking care of myself, I'm able to take care of my kids better.

If you're suffering from endometriosis, sign up for newsletters through  The organization is also on social media.

Stay informed if you're a fellow sufferer, or know someone who suffers.  And solidarity helps, I stand with my #endosisters

Just because I'm a Mom Don't Assume.... 15 perceptions about moms debunked

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I've been thinking a lot about perceptions lately.  Mostly inspired by a recent TED talk on NPR, titled "Playing with Perceptions."  We all seem to make perceptions about people based on their gender, their race and their age. But, what about some perceptions you may have about me, just because I'm a mom?  Or the mom you see with the screaming kids in tow at the grocery store.  Or the mall, or the doctor's office?  Not the usual diaper genie, minivan assumptions, I'm talking a bit deeper.

Yes, stereotypes come from a very real place.  I believe stereotypes have some truth to them.  But, I write this in hopes that you'll recognize how your perceptions and stereotypes can play a huge part in your actions and what you say to people.  And that you'll check yourself before you say to a black person - "wow, you're articulate." Or to a mother, "wow, you have a clean house." Or to a 70-year old man, "wow, you can lift that chair." Or to a father, "wow, you read stories to your kids."

My recent Missguided Mama photo shoot was my effort to show the juxtaposition of what society wants me to be, or paints this picture of me to be as a MOM, and what I'm really about.  Mind you...the amount of wine bottles, smoking in the house and pill bottles are the exaggerated version of my life (kind of), but I wanted to really make a statement.

So here we go - just because I'm a mom don't assume....

1. I can't carry on an interesting, engaging, entertaining and well-informed conversation.  If you see me at a dinner party, or a holiday cocktail party, don't politely excuse yourself to talk to someone else once you hear I have kids.  Stay, I dare you.

2. I watch the Real Housewives of Whatever Trash City. I don't. Full confession, I used to, until I realized that watching it made me sound like a fucking idiot. Especially when I'd say to other intelligent women, "Did you see what NeNe said to Kim last night?!"

3. I don't indulge in the arts. I indulge alright. Theatre, museums, music, literature, galleries. Just ask my husband and my kids who accompany me on said indulgences.

4. I cook dinner every night.  I don't.  I order out 60% of the week.  Mostly, I find cooking boring.  Unless I have a little help from my friend Vino.  If Vino is in the kitchen, I cook. He inspires me.  And sometimes I even put it in the food.

5. I'm married.  I am.  But, just because I have children, that doesn't mean I'm married.  And people should be sensitive to that for the sake of all single mothers.  If you don't see my wedding ring on my finger (which I shamefully admit is pretty often), don't say to my kids, "I bet your Daddy will ....." Cuz what if they didn't have one?

6. My house isn't clean.  It is.  And there's hardly a toy in sight downstairs.  If you didn't go upstairs, you might not think I have children.  I loathe kiddie clutter.

7. I don't wash my hair for days. I do. It's called dry shampoo and it counts.

8. That I can sew. I can't even sew a button.

9. I sing lullabies. I refuse to sing.  I suck at singing.  I lip-sync Happy Birthday when at all possible.

10. That I want to hear your birth story.  Or the birth story of your friend, or your daughter, your cousin. Just no. The gory details of birth don't entertain, interest or thrill me.

11. I own capris. And that my favorite outfit is capris and flip flops/ballet flats.  It's my least favorite.

12. That my husband and I don't have sex.  We do.  I'd like to a lot more often.  But, when we do it's fucking awesome!

13. That I want to look through a million pictures on your iphone of your kid or your grandkids.  I'll then be forced to say how cute they are - even if they aren't.  Just because I'm a mom, I don't need to look at other children, nor think that other children are cute.

14. I don't work.  If you see me at dance practice at 10:45 AM on a weekday in my yoga pants, that doesn't mean I don't work.  I may work odd times, sometimes 3AM.  But, I do work.  I need you to know that if you want to get to know me.

15. That I think everything my child does is absolutely adorable.  90% of what they do is actually horrifying to me.  90% of my day is spent thinking what monsters they are, especially while they fight, throw temper tantrums and put boogers all over everything. 10% of my day is filled with touches, kisses and cute things.  Thankfully, that 10% is what carries parents through.

What perceptions do people make about you?  What do you think are some common perceptions about parents? Write me in the comments section. Or write me on facebook! Or tweet me!

I Lost my Facebook Virginity: 7 Reasons Why I Joined Now

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

It's December 9, 2014. I joined Facebook December 8, 2014. One day ago.  I've spent probably 2 hours of my life on Facebook in just 24 hours and have acquired 26 friends. My cyber cherry has officially been popped.  I will now join the rest of you addicts on Facebook.

Let's just say I'm a late bloomer with Facebook.  Of course, I've used it in the professional sense - posting things on behalf of the companies I worked for in the past.  But, never my very own page. Never a page, where it's all about me. (And I'm not counting my brief stint with it in college when it first came out.  I'm showing my age, but it was before Facebook took privacy matters seriously and I had weirdos "friending" me and "messaging" me from every which way direction. DELETED in just 2 months).

Here's why I joined:

1. I know who I  Or should I say, I know who I fucking am! For most of my twenties, I had no idea who I was, what I was doing or where I was going. I graduated college, got my big fancy jobs with their fancy titles, I got married and had 2 babies - all while underground. Not on Facebook.  And while all of these defining moments seemed to amount to thousands of imaginary Facebook posts - I couldn't define myself in them.  Life was changing so fast, I didn't know what I liked, what I didn't like. My interests went from drinking cocktails every other night with co-workers and girlfriends to breastfeeding and organic baby food.  I was lost.  And when you're lost - it seems weird to post things about yourself that don't fit some type of cohesive story.  I didn't feel authentic, so how could I put out posts to the world about me - living this supposedly authentic life? My life and its events didn't feel Facebook worthy. I felt the need to be very disconnected actually.

2. Connecting with friends and family.  I live far from my hometown and have done a lot of moving in my life, so I want to connect and re-connect. (I've already re-connected with my old college roommate who happens to live in the same city as me!)  We could lament about the "olden" days all we want, where people used to have face to face conversations and people talked on the telephone to catch up - not through social media, emails and texts.  But, the world is changing rapidly.  I cherish my face to face time, but man, it's so much easier to post a picture of something recent on my page, write a little blurb and be done with it.  Boom. Done. Now my whole family knows the latest gossip on me. No more dishing for countless hours.

3. Networking.  But, with less pressure.  Linkedin is great for cyber networking, but I don't think it does nearly as good as job as Facebook does.  Linkedin networking and connecting is like a corporate networking event - everyone dresses up, everyone uses their best language skills, it's stuffy, it's boring and slightly awkward. And in both instances - you need an introduction.  Not Facebook. Facebook is like a random night at the bar with your friends, who brought more friends - and you all have similar interests and cocktails are flowing.  I think Facebook probably helps folks professionally more than Linkedin does.

4. Privacy issues have (for the most part) been worked out.  I was scared to join Facebook for a long time thinking freaks, stalkers, mean girls from high school and creepy exes would look me up.  Well, yes, they can look me up - but, ONLY IF I ALLOW IT.  Facebook users weren't able to control that back in the day.  Don't get it twisted - I'm still apprehensive about being so "exposed" but, comfortable knowing I'm in complete control of my privacy settings - and if need be, I can BLOCK YO CRAZY ASS.

5. Identity capital.  Yup, I'm a narcissistic, fame-hounding whore like the rest of you. I need identity capital in order to make my work valid.  It's sick, I feel like a sell out.  But I can't seeellll books, being some discreet internet nobody. Ya hurd me?

6. To show the world - it's okay to not use Facebook as a high light reel.  I'm determined to show all of my sides - in the raw (ok, maybe a little filtering on those close up photos), real and just plain me.  I don't want my Facebook friends to see only a high light reel of my life. A glimpse of glamour (yea right), marriage and my 2.5 beautiful children. I want the good, bad and ugly exposed about me.  Yes, there may be a few, and I mean very few cute pictures of my kids on my page.  But, it will be limited for their privacy.  After all, my girls are 3 and 4 years old - they don't really have a say yet.  Also - the cutsie kiddie pics will be posted in limited quantities because it's MY PAGE DAMMIT.  I can be the Queen of my own page.  It's not a Facebook page for my kids.  It's for moi'. My kids are a huuuugggeee part of my life, there's no denying that.  However, my kids don't make up wholly who I am, nor define wholly who I am.  My Facebook page will be a reflection of me, my thoughts, my loves, my hates my life.

7. Me and my husband had an agreement: NO FACEBOOK ALLOWED.  Well, clearly that agreement is null and void now.  But, we vowed not to get on Facebook because of the influences it may have on our emotions.  Don't freak out like this is some godly reason.  Or some holier than thou crap.  Let me explain.  Ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends trying to "friend" you - may seem harmless.  And maybe to a completely emotionally secure person, it is harmless.  But, I don't think it is - especially when you're trying to build a meaningful relationship, a life long partnership with someone.  The beginnings of a relationship are so fragile. I think that if an ex contacts you on social media while you are seeing someone else- and you act on it, you are diminishing your current relationship and putting it at risk.  There have been so many break ups and fights over exes and Facebook.  My husband and I would've both been too emotionally immature to handle the temptations.  The temptations to just "friend" an ex or reach out to a random hot woman or man.  Or be too tempted to simply "message" an ex.  Two kids and a rock solid marriage (hopefully forever) later, I feel no threat. I don't even wanna cyber stalk an ex on Facebook, let's put it like that.

Of course, Facebook is going to keep changing.  Our whole cyber, hyper-engaged world is changing so fast.  I get that - there will be new hurdles, obstacles and fails with social media. But, there will also be great strides.  And as 'they' say, once you're in, you're in! Looking forward to being your 'friend' on Facebook.

Being Pregnant is Like Getting Punched over and over and over

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Former UPS worker Peggy Young's case at high court as I write.  Here's the background if you need it.  I'll give you a very abbreviated version.

She was pregnant, asked her UPS supervisor for light duty, and was DEEEE-nied. Young was then forced to take UNPAID leave. UNPAID folks. Of course, UPS would hold her position, but why the fuck would she want to go back to that crappy company?

Peggy Young lost her health benefits, her pension and her fucking PAY while pregnant.  The time she needed all of those things the most - she lost them.

Why are we treating pregnant women this way? Why are we treating American families this way?

Companies all across America do this.  This is not just UPS, and their piss poor policy.  It's all over.

Pregnant women and new moms that ask for an adjustment at work (flexible hours, work at home schedules, light duty, etc.) are shut out from their careers - and are told the company's policies don't support that as a "disability", so requests like this aren't granted.  And these women leave their jobs.

Well, no shit it's not a disability. Being a grower of life is an amazing AAAAA-BILITY.  Your body has to be strong, healthy and fucking made of steel to hold a baby.  Being pregnant is not for the faint of heart.  Of course, there is the usual, (and yes, this is a tangent, I don't care), where was I? Yes, the usual heart burn, morning sickness and swelling.  But, if I may paint a more graphic picture of pregnancy for you.

There is a human being llliiiiittterrrrrallllyyyyyeee sucking the life out of your own body for an average of 9 months.  The baby's tubes are connected to your tubes.  Your blood, your oxygen, your organs, EVERYTHING.  It's fucking hard.  And women work full time jobs, fly around the world, take care of their other children, all WHILE GETTING THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF THEM.

So why in the world would we get the same treatment as men in the workplace?!  We should be getting treated waayyyyyy better!!!!

You want to help American families raise the great next generation? Treat the mothers like gold.  It is proven that mothers are their children's biggest advocates (I understand there are exceptions to this). But studies show, mothers advocate for their kid's health, their education and spend more money on their kids than fathers do. We need to stop saying that motherhood is the most valuable job in the world, and ACTUALLY START VALUING IT.  It's lip service.  It's bullshit.

Back to Peggy Young.  Her midwife told her she should not be lifting more than 20 pounds.  On an average day Peggy would lift 70 pound packages.  When she went to her supervisor, requesting light duty - I wonder, did this supervisor ever know someone who was pregnant?  Seventy pounds is a lot.  Seventy pounds could really injure a pregnant woman.  A pregnant woman who is already carrying extra pounds from the weight of a HUMAN BEING inside her.

Not to mention, this supervisor - apparently has no ethics. No morals.  No empathy.  Screw the supposed shit policy UPS had in place.  Throw out the policy bullshit for just one second, and think of the pregnant woman in front of you. Human to human. No corporate crap between you.  Even if the supervisor couldn't grant the request because of bureaucratic bullshit within UPS - don't you think the supervisor should have at least tried?  Tried to advocate for the staff they supposedly care about? If they valued their staff, and Peggy Young, they would've made arrangements and accommodated Peggy Young's request.

Imagine how Peggy Young must've felt asking in the first place.  It's nerve-wrecking.  It's hard.  Then to be punched while she was down - horrifying.  I don't even know if I'm adequately expressing how disgusting I think this is.

And pregnant women get punched everyday.  It's nothing new.  They get punched by the doctors and health care system supposedly there to take care of them and their babies.  Getting bullied into unnecessary tests, inducements and c-sections.  They get punched at their jobs - thrown off the tenure track and not accommodated.  They get punched by society.  The pregnant woman is considered lazy or unable to do anything meaningful when she's pregnant because she has too many hormones, has "mommy brain" and sits in bed eating pickles and ice cream. We need to stop thinking that getting or being pregnant is a choice.  It's not a choice.  It's a way of human life.

If we start treating pregnant women and mothers with the respect and value that they deserve, you will see a shift in our society.  Future American generations will become smarter, healthier and overall more successful,  if we take care of our mothers and children.

No one should have to choose between their health and their jobs.

This is for our daughters.

I #StandWithPeggy.

I'm a bit of a twatty turkey this year, a peed-off pie, a cunty cornucopia

Friday, November 28, 2014

**the above image has nothing to do really with what I'm about to say, but I just love it.

Forgive me if I'm a bit of a cunty cornucopia this year.  A sour sweet potato pie.  Or an ungrateful gravy.  I really prepare for Thanksgiving Day, just like all of you.  I starve a month in advance, careful to not over-eat.  I bring out my old pair of maternity skinny jeans that are buried in the back of my closet just in case I take it to the next level.  I gather recipes ahead of time, analyze them, compare them side by side to see which one would be better.

Besides all of the horribly lonely and disappointing Thanksgivings I've had in the past - aka working as a Television News Producer aka you get no fucking holidays off EVER.  This one stacked up to be a close second doozy.

This year, I left Thanksgiving dinner with my pants still buttoned, my facial structure still intact (a result of NOT being swollen up with excess carbohydrates) and a ho hum, "let me go grab a slice of pizza" when I get home attitude.

I'll list the deets of my very typical, not at all unique, but equally dissatisfying Thanksgiving.
  • THE MENU: An e-mailed menu by the host - with 12 REPLY ALLs in the thread.
  • Trip to the ER 12 hours before Thanksgiving feast (thank gawd this family member is okay now).  I'm relieved beyond words.  But because I'm a totally fucked up person - this hospital visit did give me an idea. If this family member was simply trying to get out of Thanksgiving instead of being really sick - WELL PLAYED.  I ain't mad at'cha.
  • A Thanksgiving Eve hangover - cuz who didn't drink on the most drunk night of the year?
  • Lackluster food (my Mac and Cheese and my Pumpkin Pies sucked BALLS this year. (I blame it on the aaa-eee-aaa-aaaa-eeeee-aaalcohol baby).
*Mac and Cheese Note: Don't even fucking attempt to make a Mac and Cheese recipe that has more than 10 ingredients.  And don't proceed to make said "mile long mac and cheese recipe" while drunk on Thanksgiving Eve.**Pumpkin Pie Note: If you can't make your own pie crust -  don't buy one from the freezer  aisle that is NOT deep dish.  It has to be deep dish or it will crumble to itty bitty pieces.
  • Ethnic Food: this isn't usually a problem for me.  I like ethnic food, just not on Thanksgiving.  I don't even want a hint of salsa, kimchi or foie gras.  My husband's family is Persian, so Persian flare is expected at these gatherings.  I usually draw the line on Turkey Day though.  Not this year.  Matriarch Queen Persian Grandma (who's in her 80's) insisted I try her dish on Thanksgiving.  To which I obliged because she's the QUEEN of the family.  And if you know anything about Persians, a perfect dance of politeness is required at all times.  I swallowed it down because that's what a good daughter-in-law does. (I can complain all day about eating Persian food on Thanksgiving, but Grandma's dish was the best damn one at dinner).
  • Smoke, but no fire (marshmallows roasting a bit too long on top of a sweet potato casserole in the oven).
  • We ran out of mashed potatoes.
  • A family fight (complete with yelling and tears).
  • Kids high on sugar, running, royally fucking shit up and ruining the buzzes of so many otherwise happy adults. (we love you kids, mommy promises)
I'd love to end this on some "I'm thankful for....." or some "What really matters is family being together..." bullshit line.  But, I'm incapable of being a fake.  So let's leave it at this - a toast, my style: "TO THE NEXT THANKSGIVING!" Cheers muthas.

Write me in the comments section and let me know what happened at your Thanksgiving!

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